"Vatican Assassin Warlocks" Would Be a Great Rock Band Name and Other Thoughts on the Charlie Sheen Mess

It's no longer 1989, Charlie. You ain't "bitchin'" no more.

I'm not a fan of Two and a Half Men, but I have long been a fan of Charlie Sheen. His work in movies ranging from Wall Street and Platoon to Major League and Hot Shots, as well as his work on TV's Spin City is pretty inspired and top-notch. I've also appreciated his honesty and professionalism -- despite his wild, well-documented party life, he has never been accused of diva behavior or halting productions.

Nonetheless, I think he just nailed the coffin shut on his career.

In a radio interview on the Alex Jones Show, Sheen ripped his producer, Chuck Lorre, made what seemed to be anti-semitic remarks about Lorre's name, blasted Alcoholics Anonymous, and put made comments about himself that could only be interpreted as delusional and narcissistic. In other words, this was Alex Jones' wet dream, the interview that will no doubt put his radio show on the map (for a little while, at least).

Here are a few highlights from the interview:

"The only thing I'm addicted to right now," he said, "is winning. You know? This bootleg cult arrogantly referred to as AA now supports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math! One of their stupid mottos is 'Don't be special, be one of us.' News flash! I am special and I will never be one of you."

"I'm so tired of pretending like my life isn't perfect and bitchin' and just winning every second."

About Chuck Lorre and Two and a Half Men: "I've spent, I think, close to the last decade, I don't know, effortlessly and magically converting your tin can into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write."

Here are 5 things I take away from this interview, and from the Charlie Sheen mess in general.

1. Sheen still thinks this is the 1980s. It's obvious by his word choice (bitchin') and drug of choice (cocaine) that he is still hanging out in 1989. Which makes me wonder if he'll play the role of Chevy Chase in Hot Tub Time Machine 2.

2. AA couldn't have paid for a better celebrity endorsement. Sheen's denial about his drug addiction and assertion that he's "cured" is a joke, and his attempt to make AA look bad by calling them a "bootleg cult" and citing their 5 percent success rate only makes me realize how necessary they are. Accountability is obviously not high on Sheen's list of behaviors, and if AA does anything really well, it's providing an accountability system for addicts who are serious about sobriety.

3. Mel Gibson move over -- Charlie Sheen's moving in! Partying with hookers, doing mountains of dope, stopping production of the number one television show, and conducting foolish radio interviews in the midst of a career crisis (he also appeared on the Dan Patrick Radio Show last week) makes his meltdown even more public than Gibson's, and embarrassing to a hell of a lot more people. Gibson just came across as a racist, alcoholic asshole with anger management issues. Sheen comes across as a prima donna, delusional narcissist who isn't afraid to throw people under the bus when things don't go according to plan.

4. Two and a Half Men is finished. Jon Cryer and the fat kid need to find other gigs, because I don't see this one fixing itself. This show has gone down faster than the Hindenburg. I can't imagine Chuck Lorre sitting in his office with his writing staff plotting out another season of the show, unless it involved a "very special episode" in which Sheen's eponymous character dies in a horrific accident involving his cock, a meat grinder, and an angry porn star.

5. Sheen will not be the next Ron Jeremy. If the reports of porn stars who slept with him are to be believed, Sheen is not in Jeremy's weight class as a fuck buddy. And even if he were, after his comments about the "turds" he partied with, I don't imagine the adult industry's best and brightest will be lining up to sign him to a contract after his career goes down the shitter. He might be able to find space next to Dustin Diamond on the porn shelves if he can manage to leak a sex tape, but unless he's snorting coke out of a porn star's ass, I don't imagine most people caring enough to resurrect his soon to be defunct career.