Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Abstinence Sucks (and other things I learned from "Twilight")

In the words of Seth from "Superbad..."

"Twilight" can suck my ball sack.

Two years ago I read the novel, by Stephanie Meyer. Back then it was just this little known girl-falls-in-love-with-vampire book. My initial impression was "ho hum." It was good reading if you prefer reading over Ambien at bedtime. Meyer's writing was average at best -- my biggest problem was the wooden dialogue. Only mannequins and Keanu Reeves had a chance of making that work on the big screen, I felt.

Then the little vampire book that could became a movie and a cultural zeitgeist -- a "Star Wars" for the teen girl crowd. I didn't exactly get it. Still don't. It's just evidence that teen girls will scream and shout for anything with puppy dog eyes and just enough edge to make their parent's eyebrows turn up, exclaiming "huh?"

As a result, and at the urging of all of my female students who swore they would impale me on a fence post, I decided to watch the movie.

My opinion: worse than the book.

Much worse.

End of the world worse.

So bad my eyes wanted to bleed.

My ears begged to go deaf.

My stomach lurched like a Ford Pinto trying to make it up a hill.

Roger Ebert claimed in his review that "Twilight" was just a metaphor for abstinence. You've got the teenagers in love. They want to fuck, but he can't because it's not the right thing. Usually in that scenario, it's the girl that backs out. Not in this movie. Bella, the protagonist...she's fucking nympho for Edward, the vampire boy. She wants all of him, and in the worst way. But he won't give her any satisfaction because he knows that if he gives in, he'll do more than fuck her. He'll eat her.

Forbidden love, folks.

At least Romeo and Juliet fucked. Then they went and killed themselves two days later. That better have been the best sex ever to warrant suicide.

Seriously, though, this movie was just one scene after another of longing looks with no payoff. The girl that plays Bella is paler than Edward (and he's supposed to be the un-dead one), and she is dumber than he is, too. About the only thing they have in common, excluding their deep need for bad teen sex, is their incessant need to whisper woodenly when they talk.

I doubt the teen girls noticed any of this. Edward has them all under his vampire spell, Bela Lugosi-style.

Last thing I want to say about this atrocious movie. It is poison for the teen girl mind. I know I can be a bit of a dick when I talk about women, but I want to make one thing clear. I think women need to be independent and strong-minded. Unfortunately, the character Stephanie Meyer has created in Bella is weak and co-dependent. Like many teenage girls, she is completely shackled by her "love" for a boy. He is all she can think about. Her feelings are dependent upon his feelings for her. If he's angry, she wonders if it is her fault. If he's happy, then she's happy with herself. It's pathetic. This is the kind of teen girl that spends countless hours writing "I-heart-(fill in the blank here)" all over her binder, book covers, and whatever scraps of paper she can find. This is the kind of girl who spends every waking moment daydreaming about the prince that we all know will never come, or will most likely come too quickly and leave her unsatisfied and wondering what she ever saw in him in the first place.

Co-dependency is an ill of society, and I hate it when books like "Twilight" champion its cause. Stephanie Meyer should be ashamed of herself for telling girls "It's all right to be a push-over." Hey, it's all fun and games until love at first sight becomes love at first bite.

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